A song about grief and loss…
“Fix Me” by Ricky Hil and Leona Lewis is so deep and haunting…
“Fix Me” reminds me of what it is like to grieve the loss of my children. The loss is so deep, at times I can hardly breathe because the memories I hold in my heart are so heavy on my chest.
“Will you fix me, will you show me how to breathe, Before all is gone and my hope is lost, baby…”
“Fix Me” also reminds me of the very real grief and loss experienced by a parent who has lost custody and/or been forcibly separated from a child(ren) due to an unjust family court or CPS/DHS order. Parents who have been alienated from their children also experience similar emotions, and also go through a grieving process. The parent does go through the stages of grief, and will experience a range of emotions, these feelings are a valid response to what they have experienced. It does NOT make a parent crazy that they mourn the loss of a child even though that child is still alive…
“I am lost, I can’t find my way… You were gone, when I’m awake..”
The loss of the child(ren) is compounded by the injustice that parent may have experienced, and coerced secrecy. By “coerced secrecy” I mean that many parents are afraid to speak up or even share their grief with someone who can help because they fear further retaliation from the Court. Coerced Secrecy is the messages, threats, intimidation and actions that encourage secrecy, to remain silent out of fear that speaking up or raising concern will lead to real harm against you, or your children.
“I’m alone and it’s real, but I don’t know now.. My heart is all I have and my brains are wearing out…”
“Fix You” reminds me also the tremendous internal battle a grieving parent fights to survive loss and justice, to keep fighting for their child…to be able to try to live even when the most precious, most meaningful thing in your life–your child(ren) has been taken from you.
“And when I’m lost, can’t find my way, And when it’s lost, it finds me some way…”
Every parent has a different way of coping with grief and loss. Friends and family play a tremendous role in offering comfort. There are also professional and community supports available. For me, my greatest source of strength and hope was through my faith in God. I also did alot of volunteer work in the community, channeling the energies I formally used as a mother into helping and serving others. Listening to music also became a positive outlet for me.
For those parents experiencing the loss of a child I have described, you are not alone. Nor are you broken beyond repair. The loss you are experiencing is real. But even greater than the loss and the pain, even greater than injustice, is the love you have for your children. Your fight for your child is not always fought in the courtroom, sometimes the battle is won in the person who takes a breathe even when it so hard to breathe. The person who reaches out for help after they have been coerced into secrecy. The person that says “I will live” even though their heart is breaking. That person is YOU.
– Emily Court/M21
To my children DJ & JJ, I love you with all of my heart. I pray for you every night. I pray that one day we can be a family again, that you will come home. Even though things are tough now, and I cannot see you, hope for the day you can come home keeps me strong. I thank God for you. And am so blessed to be your Mommy. You will be forever and always, my precious babies! <3 x <3 x